由英国女作家海伦·碧翠斯·波特（Helen Beatrix Potter）创作的比得兔系列是全世界最受欢迎的童书作品之一，100多年一直畅销不衰，为上亿的人留下了美好的童年回忆。很难想象，比得兔这么一个暖心而又纯真的IP居然会和打坦克扯上关系，可偏就有人进行了如此魔性的二次创作。
《坦克杀手比得兔》最早出现于1988年的一本杂志上，作者究竟何许人也已经不可考。这本“小童书”被伪装成波特女士与丹麦作家斯文·哈瑟尔（Sven Hassel）的合作产物——斯文·哈瑟尔真名叫伯格·威利·雷德斯蒂德·佩德森（Børge Willy Redsted Pedersen），是个丹麦人，二战期间曾在德国国防军服役。战争结束后，他曾经出版过许多二战题材的小说，可能是继安徒生之后书籍总销量排行第二的丹麦作家。事实上，波特早在1943年就去世了，而斯文·哈瑟尔的处女作直到1953年才出版，时间线根本就对不上。
Once upon a time, there were four rabbits,Flopsy, Mopsy, Cottontail and Peter. They lived with their mother, Old Mrs.Rabbit, in a warren which looked – to the unaccustomed eye – rather like the lice infested trenches of World War I.
One day Peter’s mother said “I am going to market to sell my mittens. You may play in the woods if you wish but, Peter,you and your naughty cousin Benjamin Bunny are not to antagonise Mr. McGregornor blow up any Panzer tanks today”, and with that, she left in a swish-swash-swish of rustling skirts.
But oh! That Peter was a naughty rabbit! No sooner had his mother left than he had dressed for combat and hopped down tothe end of the lane to rendezvous with his cousin Benjamin. As the two youngrabbits exchanged their fulsome greetings, they suddenly became aware of amighty a-clinking and a-clanking coming up the road! Their little hearts a-flutter, they peered judiciously around the corner.
And what do you think the two naughty young rabbits saw when they peeped out?
Mr. McGregor in a MkII Tiger tank with a transversable 88mm howitzer and two forward mounted 7.62mm machineguns!
“Be quick and fetch the Panzerfaust anti-tank gun from Tom Kitten!” whispered Benjamin. So Peter went lipperty-lipperty all the way to Tom Kitten’s house.
“Quick!” Peter implored him. “Lend me your Panzerfaust, for Mr. McGregor has a Tiger tank and will surely blast us allinto bloody shards of flesh, bone and sinewy pulp if we are not careful, if weare not most circumspect!”
Tom Kitten gave Peter his anti-tank gun willingly for Mr. McGregor had scolded him once. But by the time Peter had returned to his cousin, Mr. McGregor had driven up the road and opened fire on Jemima Puddleduck, killing her instantly.
“Thank goodness you were not the least tardy!” cried Benjamin, as the turret of Mr. McGregor’s tank slowly turned towards the humble abode of Mrs. Tiggy-Winkle.
“Waste the fucker!”
Peter steadied the Bazooka on his shoulder and squinted one beady little rabbit eye down the sights.
Now, rabbits eat lots of carrots and every child knows that carrots do your eyesight a power of good, so of course Peter did not miss.
Whooomph! Ka-Woooommmbbbb! The AP shell from the Panzerfaust slammed square into the cowling of the Tiger’s twin bank Mayback HL 700hp engines, sending fuel cascading everywhere!
“Take that for putting my father in a pie,you four-eyed Scottish bastard!” exalted Peter and gave a little rabbity hopfor joy.
But oh dear! Mr. McGregor was trapped in the hatch of his burning Panzer tank and he was a-hollering and a-screaming fit to burst!
“Kill me, please!” he requested of the rabbits. “For I am trapped and sorely afraid that I shall slowly burn to death from the legs upwards!”
Benjamin Bunny raised his Schmeisser and pumped a full magazine into the distressed Mr. McGregor’s head, thereby solving the pretty little pickle they had found themselves in!
All of a sudden, another hatch opened who should fly out but Mr. McGregor’s cat! Now Benjamin’s father had no opinion whatsoever of cats, but Benjamin was shit-scared of them and would have most surely voided himself in his attire had not the cat been one huge ball of flame and surely demising.
When Mr. McGregor’s cat rattled and laystill, the two little rabbits exchanged salutes and promised to meet again next Thursday and then hurried back to their respective domiciles.
Oh dear! Old Mrs. Rabbit was distraught in the extreme when she learned what her naughty son had been about.
“How many times have I told you about blowing up tanks!” she chided. “You are a naughty, wicked rabbit!”
Flopsy, Mopsy and Cottontail who had notassaulted any armoured vehicles were rewarded with fresh lettuce and carrots and radishes, but Peter was sent to bed without any supper.
But then, who wants to eat that rabbit foodshit anyway?